


convince me that i am not a monster

by bellaaarrina



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Grant Ward Feels, Grant Ward Redemption, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Pain, Skye | Daisy Johnson Feels, What-If
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-04 04:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14585100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bellaaarrina/pseuds/bellaaarrina
Summary: au in which Grant Ward begins to doubt John Garrett when he finds out that he gave the order to shoot Skye and leave her for dead. How much of a difference can one choice make in a person's life? And can that choice make a big enough of a change to amend all your past wrongdoings and can it be enough to save any kind of future with the girl you love?





	1. alibi

**Author's Note:**

> there isn't a whole lot of dialogue in this chapter, it's solely focused on grant's emotions prior to the big hydra reveal so it might seem kind of slow but i just wanted to capture ward and what he was feeling and struggling with internally in terms of what to do. 
> 
> also, i'm new to this and just felt like dabbling in some fanfiction in some spare time that i have so it may not be the greatest... bare with me. 
> 
> p.s. i will forever be a skyeward shipper and am bitter about everything

 

The image was burned into his memory, her limp body left for dead; the IV's and tubes that connected her to the machine that was giving her life. He remembered feeling helpless, angry, filled with rage that he couldn't control - a concept he had never had to deal with because he was the best at compartmentalization, the best at keeping a lid on his emotions... But that image, it unnerved him, opened the lid that he kept sealed shut - and with this new found truth, it brought back all those emotions.

 

Garrett.

 

He'd been the one to orchestrate the entire thing. As the words came out Ward tried to keep a composed face, but Garrett knew him better than that and the words that followed alerted him that he'd exposed himself. _"It's not a weakness, is it?"_ The words rang loud in Ward's ears but he was quick to respond, _"No,"_ he said it with such assertion that he almost believed his own lie - but the look on Garrett's face was enough for him to know Garrett bought it. His mind was racing, moments ago he would have gone to the end of the world for the man who took him in, the man who gave him an identity - but now?

 

Skye was the unknown variable, something - someone - who was never supposed to be a part of the equation and at the beginning, Ward was positive that he would be able to adjust his plan with her in it and at first he'd been succeeding but something about her broke through his ice cold wall. Now, now he was paying for the mistake of letting her even remotely in - he was in too deep and he wasn't sure what was left from right anymore. Did it matter? Him and Garrett had a mission, they had yet to complete and he knew that his mentor wouldn't settle for anything less than perfect, Ward needed to sort this out. His mind ran rampant as Raina and Garrett shared words, the mention of Skye's name reigning his focus back in on the current situation: the hard drive. He had to fight back the proud smirk at the realization that Skye set up security measures that only she could bypass. _"It seems that Skye has encrypted it to where no one can unlock it. It's useless without her._ "

 

That was the sentence that sent his mind off the deep end, it was the look in Garrett's eyes that confirmed his fears. The older male looked to Ward, a smug grin spread across his lips, _"Son, I'm going to need you to bring her to me."_ He couldn't trust Garrett with Skye's life, not after the revelation... The phone in his pocket began to buzz, her name appearing on the screen, _"Sir, this is her now. If she gives me her location I can convince her to unlock the drive and bring it back myself."_ It was his hopeless chance of trying to keep her safe from Garrett's grasp, as Garrett nodded a quick yes, Ward answered the phone and minutes later after he sold yet again, another lie - he had the coordinates and a master plan to sell his story.

  


\-------

  


After countless punches & knees to the abdomen, and a few good solid hits to the face when Garrett finally decided the younger male looked the part of a man who barely managed to survive Garrett's escape. The cuts on his cheek were red, bruised and he had a cut across his lip to match - he was positive that no one would be able to smell the stench of betrayal on him, his deceit; or so he hoped. 

 

As he trekked through the snow, he got to the coordinates Skye had sent and when the secret door opened, waiting for him was Skye - he could have swore his heart stopped. _"Is it a weakness?"_ The words echoed in his mind and he reminded himself to breathe, to be normal; well, as normal as Skye and the rest of the team thought he was. In that moment he knew that after today everything would change, that the smile Skye wore upon her face when they met each others eyes would no longer have that sparkle when it all came out.

 

Everything that Grant Ward had come to be familiar with  and all he held close was going to come crashing around him. And for the first time in his life, he was scared. He had something to lose; no- _someone_ to lose and as he neared her, breathed in that familiar scent of vanilla he knew he was going to have a hard time letting go… Could he really follow through with his orders? Years of being the perfect soldier for Garrett and his resolve was crumbling at the hands of a woman? He could hear John’s voice now, _You’re weak._ But god, when her hand warmed his cheek and she looked at him like something holy - he felt anything but.

 

For the first time, he was second guessing his orders… second guessing his mission, but now he had a bigger question to battle. Would giving up this mission count for anything, after all the evil he’d done? When his sins came to light - which he was sure they would, would Skye be able to look at him the same? He didn’t know, what he did know was- all he wanted to do was stay here with her and imagine the outside world didn’t exist.

  



	2. not deserving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a little insight into providence and ward continuing to struggle with what he needs to do between what he wants to do aka realizing he has a weakness and that he could very well lose something before even having it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i apologize if you feel it's going a little slow, but i'm invested in the emotional baggage and build up... things are going to start straying from what actually happened in s1... did ward kill koenig - is he taking her to garrett.... who knows.

One thing he wasn't prepared for when he arrived was this ridiculous lie detector that needed to be passed before being deemed as trustworthy. He was trained for this situations, so he had nothing to worry about - but if that was the case, why did he feel so on edge? As he waited his turn, he searched for anything that he could use to his advantage and after finding a first aid kit he easily slid a needle under the bed of his nail… The pain would skew his results, he could use that to his advantage. He looked up from his position when he heard the door and watched as Skye made her way towards him,  _ “Piece of cake?”  _ he asks in a light manner,  _ “If you don’t mind talking about yourself - so you’ll hate it.” _ And the small smile she gives him as she wishes him good luck is enough to make any man wish they were worthy of it.

 

_“So why are you here?”_ the question looms over his head, _“I’m an agent. It’s my duty.”_ He knows his response isn’t up to par when the questions that follow are directly tied to Hydra - it’s when he’s asked one last time that he begins to feel that creeping feeling of anxiousness but he compartmentalizes it like he’s trained to do. _"Agent Ward, why are you really here?"_ _"Skye. I came back for her."_ There's hesitation before he answers, not because it isn't the truth - but because of the weight of that truth. He hopped on a quinjet not only because Garrett demanded him to do so, but because of her... The inexplicable reason for wanting - no needing - to be with Skye. It's an answer that's laced with hidden agendas but luckily enough for him, it's the answer that has finally swayed Koenig into believing he was worthy of a lanyard. 

 

There’s a sense of pride as he walks off with his lanyard, and when he sees Skye again, it’s like he can breathe again.

 

_ “Everything is falling apart around us, we don’t know how it’ll end. If there’s something you want to tell her, don’t wait.”  _ As the words leave his mouth he’s slowly realizing that it isn’t only Skye who’s causing him doubts. It’s the bonds that he’s created here with the team. He knows how it’ll end though, he’s on the winning side of this - but is it really winning if he loses Skye in the process? Which he knows is dangerously close to happening if she manages to hack the NSA, so he figures attempting to get her to unlock the hard drive now would stall the process, put a halt in her step to discovering the truth…  _ “It’s location based.”  _ He doesn’t know whether he’s proud of her, or upset because he knows he won’t have the password within the 24 hours that Garrett has promised him before he’s forced to bring Skye to him and he can’t do that. There isn’t a bone in his body that he thinks would allow himself to do that to her; to  _ his  _ Skye.

 

He has this nerve-wracking feeling that Koenig knows he’s up to something, knows there’s more to him that he’s letting on and he has two ways in which he can handle this, one -  _ take care of him  _ or two- find a way to leave, with or without Skye. His deciding factor? Whichever option fares better for Skye… And he knows if he doesn’t unlock this hard drive and doesn’t deliver her to Garrett, he’ll come after her regardless which will put her in harm’s way - but if he doesn’t take care of Koenig he could be found out. If he leaves, without unlocking the hard drive, Skye’s fate is sealed - she’ll be a means to an end for Garrett and he can’t have that. He needs to protect her at all costs, even if that means going against direct orders he’s been given.

 

But can he really go against the wishes of the man he owes everything to? The man who took him in when he was left out in the cold, left to rot in a jail cell? If you would have asked Grant Ward a year ago he would have said no, but now? He was almost positive he would if it meant he could be the kind of man  _ she  _ deserved. 

 

In order to protect her, he has to make a hard call - but if this ever comes to light, this act, he could very well still lose Skye… There are very few scenarios in which he doesn’t lose her, and he realizes this, but he has to make the hard call; choose the path that will cause less destruction (compared to what he’s already caused). 

 

\---------------

 

She’s looking at him, like she always does,  _ “You can’t choose to feel.”  _ And it’s his next words that cause her to catch her breath,  _ “Usually I can. It’s different with us.”  _ Us. For the first time she’s speechless and she has to recover herself quickly to not seem so… awestruck. For weeks Skye had convinced herself this was a one-sided thing, a measly crush on her SO, and so she’s guarding herself, saying there isn’t a rush to  _ us. “There’s never a good time. We’ve got to start somewhere.”  _ All those months ago when she’s boarded the bus and met Grant Ward for the first time, she’d never had imagined they’d be here - him with all his rough edges and her with all her idealism… 

 

For the first time, she was finally seeing the hard exterior that surrounded him crack, he was letting his walls down and it broke her heart. How could he not see the good man that she saw? Everyone had skeletons, herself included, hell - she’d lied to the team when she first came on board.  _ “I'm not a good man, Skye.”  _ She can tell Ward believes that with every fiber of his being, and she wants to yell at him, no scream at him that he’s wrong…  _ “Yes, you are.”  _ Her words are spoken with such vindication and she could melt under the way he’s staring at her, she’s so wrapped up in him and she’s barely realizing the effect he has on her. Soon his hand is at her cheek and his lips are hot against hers, and she can feel every bit of emotion in the kiss - every bit of emotion coming from him and she sees it now. Why he’s so guarded; it’s because he feels too much. Skye doesn’t realize that he’s kissing her because he knows there’s a very real chance that this might be  _ their  _ last kiss, that they’re fated to be over before they begin - no, she doesn’t realize this because she’s letting herself do the one thing she shouldn’t. Hope. 

 

Because that’s what his kiss tastes like, hope… So while he’s pouring everything into the kiss because it’s the end; Skye is pouring everything into it - grasping for him, because she believes this is their beginning. For Skye, this kiss isn’t now or never - not like their first kiss, this one is different - it’s desperation, longing, hopeful and passionate - the way he’s pulling her closer, how she’s begging for more. She’s so consumed in him that her breath hitches when their lips finally part, his forehead resting on hers - her eyes are barely fluttering open when he speaks,  _ “Can you promise me one thing?”  _ Without thought, she’s spilling her answer,  _ “Anything.”  _ Her heart is racing, and her breathing uneven as she’s staring up into his eyes,  _ “However this ends, can you try to remember whatever good it is you see in me?”  _ She should have asked herself what he meant, given herself more time to think but she felt hopeful and high off their kiss,  _ “You are a good man, Grant Ward - when are you going to see that?”  _

 

Before she could press another kiss to his lips, everything went black. 


	3. // Life Update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> not a chapter update, unfortunately... but i like to keep people informed :)

Okay so I originally planned to update at least once a week, and last week i had intended to update with another chapter but between friend's graduating and mothers day; it didn't happen. On top of that, this week seems like i won't be able to update either because work is really hectic and stressful right now so by the time I'm home i'm so mentally drained that I just want to lay down and read or sleep.

Maybe if i get out of this mental slump by the weekend, I'll try to finish the chapter i've been working on. If not, please bare with me.

Thank you all for your kudos and interest so far! I'm really looking forward to the rest of this story. I may even be working on one shots in the near future.

 


End file.
